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Do Guys Stop Flirting When They Get a Girlfriend?

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He's a Serial Flirter

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Dude, Maybe She's Just Not That Into You

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What Ever Happened to Trust?

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Her Boyfriend Is a Serial Flirter

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He Only Wants To See Her On Weekends...Does That Mean It's Over?

May 06
Friends With Benefits - Confusing Sex With Love

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ASK MOXIE - Are You Sending Off The Wrong Signals?

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Should She Tell Him She's a Virgin?

Friends With Benefits - Confusing Sex With Love

Name: Next move
Location: Boston , MA
Question: Help me sort this out: Flash back to about 1.5 years ago.
I had just broken up with my boyfriend of four years and was
complaining to my best friend that I hadnt gotten laid in over a month and I was
hating single life already on that basis alone. Right there on the spot
she dialed up one of her old friends with benefits from Boston (where I
am from, and she was home visiting for the weekend) because she never
sees him anymore since moving to NYC years ago. I now its weird, but we
called it a "sexual referral", helping a sister out. ..Now, I
knew him because we all used to hang out a while back, so it wasnt too
weird to have a reunion of sorts. Plus, I always thought he was super hot.
The three of us had dinner that nite, and he and I exchanged phone
numbers...We started seeing eachother pretty regularly, at least once
a week and sometimes more. The sex was (and still is) the best sex I
have ever had in my life. But it gets complicated. As much as I have
tried to keep it a purely sexual relationship we get into all kinds of
gritty conversations, grandmother dying, parents alcoholism, not your
average fuck buddy subject matter. Plus he is pretty intelligent and we
often trade books and discuss them in detail once we have both read them.
Did I mention the sex is red hot? ..Problem is that we both date
other people and are VERY open about it. We will screw and our version
of pillow talk will foray into area's of..."So, I dunno what to do about
this girl I met last weeek. She is hot, but kinda dumb, do I call her?
And then me "I cant see you next week because I am going to Miami to
see Tom". We are very open, and never jealous of what the other one has
going on. (Probably because we never like anyone else we date...and
never feel like whoever we are messing around with is a real
threat.)..Now all of this has been going on for a year and a half now and the
longer it goes on the better it seems to get. Part of me doesnt want to
ruin the perfect situation that I have (hot sex with an intelligent,
respectful guy who I get along with famously), but the other part is
starting to wonder why we keep dating other people who we never seem to be
impressed by? I think each of us is a little nervous to say something
about this undercurrent of wanting more, but we dont want to fuck up a
marvelously good thing...Is there a way to find out if he is
thinking what I am thinking without ruining what we have going on? Am I
fooling myself to think that situtation is more than just good sex with a
nice guy?. |Age: 24

I guess my first question to you would be: why hasn't he broached the subject of going legit with you? I mean, it's been a year and a half. If there's such a great connection with you two then why hasn't he taken the steps to develop an actual, emotional relationship with you?

The reason why you two are dating people that you aren't impressed by is because you both know you have a safety net in each other. Neither one of you is actively searching or open to meeting other people. Which doesn't necessarily mean that he's in love with you. He might just be looking for something non-exclusive and he's found that in you. He doesn't feel a need to break things off with you because, as things are, it works for him.

The bigger question here is, what if you tell him how you feel and he doesn't feel the same way? Are you ready to lose that set-up? Because that's what will happen. If you admit to having feelings for him and he doesn't, he's going to stop sleeping with you.

Now, yeah, there's a chance that he does want what you want. But, sorry, it's pretty slim. He probably knows that you'd be open to more than just fuck buddies. The fact that, in a year and a half, he hasn't made that move makes me think he's just not interested in that kind of relationship with you.

As much as I have
tried to keep it a purely sexual relationship we get into all kinds of
gritty conversations, grandmother dying, parents alcoholism, not your
average fuck buddy subject matter. Plus he is pretty intelligent and we
often trade books and discuss them in detail once we have both read them.

This is the part where you're confusing sex with love. It's great that you two can talk, but that's not intimacy. Just because you might talk naked doesn't mean you have some kind of intimate connection.

So, now that I've been Debbie Downer on this subject......

If you think it could work, then take the risk and tell him that what you've been thinking. Just be prepared to end the relationship if he says he doesn't feel the same way. You've become attached to this guy so walking away isn't going to be easy. If, in fact, you have to walk away.

Read the feedback from other singles & offer your own comments:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/2006/05/ask_moxie_confu.html#comments

2006-05-06

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Friends With Benefits - Confusing Sex With Love