MoxieintheCity.net - Social/Professional Networking Events & Workshops

May 11
Do Guys Stop Flirting When They Get a Girlfriend?

May 11
He's a Serial Flirter

May 10
Dude, Maybe She's Just Not That Into You

May 10
What Ever Happened to Trust?

May 10
Her Boyfriend Is a Serial Flirter

May 08
He Only Wants To See Her On Weekends...Does That Mean It's Over?

May 06
Friends With Benefits - Confusing Sex With Love

Apr 18
ASK MOXIE - Are You Sending Off The Wrong Signals?

Apr 13
Should She Tell Him She's a Virgin?

ASK MOXIE - Are You Sending Off The Wrong Signals?

Comments
Not enough information... I'd suggest the OP ask a couple of trusted friends how she comes across, and (if possible) ask a failed dating prospect or two how she comes across to dates. I'd guess she comes across to others as cold and distant, but doesn't know this. But how can you work on how you're perceived without knowing how others perceive you? Better start asking questions.

Posted by: webwench | April 18, 2006 at 11:48 AM

It sounds like you are giving off an unavailable or uninterested vibe. Maybe try speed dating. Even if you aren't interested in meeting someone that way, you could at least practice listening, smiling, and flirting with a bunch of different men for only a few minutes each.

Posted by: KB | April 18, 2006 at 01:11 PM

My first thought after reading this was that this woman is not as attractive as she thinks. I say this because some women are often delusional about their appearance (such as obese women calling themselves curvy). I also say this because I've never heard of a beautiful woman having trouble getting approached by men. That just doesn't happen in my world.

Now upon reading it again, it's not clear from what she wrote as to whether guys don't approach her at all, or do approach but lose interest after getting to know her a little. The former is an appearance issue, the latter is a personality issue. Like Moxie said, it's hard to provide advice without seeing this person in action.

I've never heard of a woman being turned away for being too "emotionally independent" or "self-sufficient". Those may be terms you use to describe your personality, but men might be using terms to describe you such as "arrogant", "bitchy" or "unapproachable". Few men want a needy, clingy, demanding woman, so I wouldn't try that route if I were you. What most of us want is a woman who can take care of herself, but who is also willing to let us take care of her too sometimes and vice-versa. My advice: consult an old boyfriend or close male friend you trust to give you an honest opinion, and ask them what they think of you. The best way to get answers here is to consult your target audience: men. Find out how you are perceived through male eyes. When I did this with female friends, I got some startling feedback that allowed me to change for the better and subsequently made me more successful with women.

Posted by: Craig | April 18, 2006 at 02:08 PM

Mia,

I knew a girl once who was young and cold. She was pretty but came across as a man hater. When she opened her mouth she just pushed people away.

Is it worth it? That's why girls that are less good looking than you get guys. They are nice to be around and are not cold. They are not needy but don't put off the vibe that they could care less about you.

Being included is a nice feeling. But you have to force yourself to ask people nicely for things instead of manipulating them into doing things for you. That's the difference between coming off as cold and self sufficent.....or warm and inviting.

Which sounds better? "I'll get my own drink thanks!" or "Sweetie, could you get me a drink?"

Posted by: Hot Guy | April 18, 2006 at 02:35 PM

Moxie pretty much hit the nail straight on the head here. People like nothing more than the genuine feeling of importance. Play eye-tag with a guy that is checking you out a few times, to let him know he has the go-ahead to approach. And then be sincere and genuine when you talk with him, but not only in your answers, but in your interest in him. If you aren't going to have a genuine interest in knowing more about this person you saw from across the room, then don't give him signals. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Posted by: Kiefer | April 18, 2006 at 04:31 PM

Question--when speaking with a guy, do you take control of the conversation to show how successful, straightforward, and self-sufficient you are?

Or are you relaxed, going with the flow, and maybe letting your guard down a bit and being a little softer?

In my experience (and I have been both ways over the years) guess which one works better and is also more fun and less exhausting?

Posted by: Kimbabwe | April 18, 2006 at 04:49 PM

Strong, independent, beautiful, good conversationalist etc ... don't change a thing!

Posted by: stretch | April 18, 2006 at 06:43 PM

Stretch is right! Everybody, she's 21 years old! Not to discount the life experiences that a 21 year old possesses, but I must say that I have learned SO MUCH about interaction with others since my 21st birthday. At least she is a 21 year old with a positive self image (instead of an obsessive, wimpering mess like a lot of other girls at 21). I recommend you just be happy that you have positive interactions with others instead of desperate relationships with boys dressed as men. My only bit of advice based on person experience: make sure you are approachable. This does not mean dumb yourself down or be all sugary, just pay attention to your style of interaction. It took me until 25 to realize that I rarely asked much more than the typical introductory questions of people which made me seem a little disinterested and I shared much more about my life (really my resume) than I ever really learned about the other person. We do this because dating situations are very similar to sales. We want to present the best selling points about ourselves, but we end up looking self absorbed instead of exciting and independent. Working on these things will help you out in every area of your life. Good luck!

Posted by: Cristin | April 18, 2006 at 07:54 PM

Id just chalk it up as you being too young...your 21! Nothing more nothing less.

Posted by: heather | April 18, 2006 at 08:39 PM

I agree with one of the posts about your perception of yourself. There is such a thing as overly confident. It's pretty clear, when you are mentioning your shortcomings in a way that they are not even shortcomings...Your not needy or demanding enough? Come on now, no men that I know are looking for a girl like that! I am sure you are somewhat attractive, maybe even very. Also, I'm not so sure I would call what you described "cold". I would just say you are giving off the vibes that you can take care of yourself, and don't really need anyone. I have this problem sometimes too. And yes, men do want to be needed. One time a boyfriendtold me I didn't need him because I painted my living room myself. My response was, yes, I do! Just not to paint my L.R. All you need to do is get in the game, yes, speed dating, internet, etc., etc. and say simply that you are an independent woman, however, you don't always want to be so....some men do like this. Men will understand this, and know what you want because you are there trying to meet someone! Good Luck :)

Posted by: me3NYC | April 18, 2006 at 09:31 PM

my social circle has recently expanded to include a couple - him 37, her 24. He is naturally open and gregarious, an instant friend. She, while being nice enough, comes across as somewhat cold, a bit arrogant, and constantly sizing others up. Why? because she feels defensive. She recently admitted to me that she feels the need to impress 'us', to qualify his interest in her. It's definately an age thing, and I suspect the letter writer is going through a bit of the same - working to show the strength, independance, and self-sufficiency that she wants to be regarded as having, but not yet being able to temper it with warmth and openness.

It'll come with time and experience, and developing an awareness that her 'strength' might be perceived as 'aloofness' is a step in the right direction.

Posted by: tgov | April 18, 2006 at 10:15 PM

Mia, if something isn't working for you then change is necessary. 21 is the perfect age to start becoming more self-aware. The older you get the harder it is to change. No need to do a complete makeover on your personality but a few nips and tucks could do wonders. Better to do it now than to wake up at 35 or 40 and ask yourself this question.

Posted by: Olivia | April 18, 2006 at 10:29 PM
2006-04-18

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