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Do Guys Stop Flirting When They Get a Girlfriend?

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He's a Serial Flirter

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Dude, Maybe She's Just Not That Into You

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What Ever Happened to Trust?

May 10
Her Boyfriend Is a Serial Flirter

May 08
He Only Wants To See Her On Weekends...Does That Mean It's Over?

May 06
Friends With Benefits - Confusing Sex With Love

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ASK MOXIE - Are You Sending Off The Wrong Signals?

Apr 13
Should She Tell Him She's a Virgin?

Should She Tell Him She's a Virgin?

I'm torn on this one.

On one hand, i think you're being unrealistic, especially since you're using online dating to meet people. Not stating in your profile that you are a virgin is sort of equivalent to not admitting that you're a few pound overweight. You're sort of wasting people's time.

But on the other hand, I agree with you that your sexual preferences and experiences should be kept to yourself. Atleast until you get to know someone better and can gauge how they'll react to the news.

I will say this...I find it odd that you're okay with your partner not being a virgin. You're holding yourself to a certain standard but you're not holding potential partners to that same standard. I'd think that, if you felt strongly that sex was for marriage only, that you'd want someone who shares that key value.

I really don't know what to say to you. Let's turn this one over to the readers.

The odds of two virgins meeting and hitting it off are astronomical in this day and age.

The writer was being realistic (and non-judgmental) when she explained her expectations.

Posted by: j | April 08, 2006 at 02:25 PM

Wow, this is a tough one because I can absolutely respect your point of view, but I think I would be weird about it if the guy I was dating was a virgin. I don't think you are a relic of the past and if you really are committed to a "moral" belief, I can't really advise against having principles, can I? I guess the burning question going through my mind has to do with fear...a lot of times humans protect ourselves from something we are afraid of by acting like it is our preference to stay away from it. Just something for you to consider...

Now, at the risk of sounding like a nympho, sex is a really big part of most romantic relationships. It's kind of what sets you two apart from people who are just really good friends. I can see myself making an assumption here--do you engage in any other sexual activity besides actual penetration? If so, I guess you are obviously not "just friends" with the guys you date. It's just that, in my mind, I really do think there is something to be said for a test drive before you buy a car. Since I do think sex is a really important part of a relationship, I figure I won't even buy a $20 lipstick without trying on the color so I probably shouldn't agree to spend eternity with a person without trying them on too.

Also, I can imagine there is probably a shortage of people like you who are abstinent by personal preference rather than by hard core religious beliefs. If you aren't looking for the ultra-religious type, you may have a tough road ahead, not because what you want is wrong or old fashioned, but because any condition you put on men narrows the field. A restriction involving sex, something most of the men I've known can't live without, probably REALLY narrows the field. I'm with Moxie about the online dating thing--it's just too sexually charged. I guess, all I can say is don't change yourself for anyone but you. If you think it might be time to open yourself up to the possibility of a sexual relationship without marriage, then do it because you will find dating a lot easier (although harder at the same time). If you are only considering a change because other people don't seem to agree with you, then you aren't ready and it won't be good anyway. For a woman, your head has to be in the right place for sex to be worthwhile. If you aren't doing it for the right reasons, it won't feel right. Good luck to you & always be true to yourself!

Posted by: Cristin | April 08, 2006 at 02:44 PM

Wow. That is a tough one. I think if this is a conscious choice you have made over time and have really reflected on the reasons behind it (it hasn't just become a habit because you have been doing it for so long), then you have to be true to yourself.
However, finding a compatible partner may be another matter. Certainly, the internet is the last place you want to be looking (most men are just looking for sex, whether they state it or not), unless you try somewhere like Catholic Match (even though you said religion is not a factor).

I came across this book that may provide some insights/advice about how to navigate relationships while mainaining celibacy:
http://www.enotalone.com/article/4308.html
Good Luck!

Posted by: brainygirl | April 08, 2006 at 02:46 PM

Wow. What are you waiting for, anyway? You're 35. Sex can be beautiful, fun, experimental (you can be someone different in and out of bed). Puhlease. And good luck finding a guy whos a 35 yo virgin. And if he is he's probably some sort of weirdo. Just ask yourself why are you holding onto your virginity for dear life? Also men are put off by virgins because they think they will become clingy and/ or they wont be sexually liberated

Posted by: zee | April 08, 2006 at 03:17 PM

Wow. What are you waiting for, anyway? You're 35. Sex can be beautiful, fun, experimental (you can be someone different in and out of bed). Puhlease. And good luck finding a guy whos a 35 yo virgin. And if he is he's probably some sort of weirdo. Just ask yourself why are you holding onto your virginity for dear life? Also men are put off by virgins because they think they will become clingy and/ or they wont be sexually liberated

Posted by: zee | April 08, 2006 at 03:18 PM

The guy you mentioned was right; if you're using mainstream dating methods, you need to warn guys that you plan on waiting because it's assumed that any serious adult relationship will involve sex. As Cristin said, that's the usual distinction between "just friends" and "more than friends". You're going to have a difficult time finding non-religious guys your age who are willing to wait since they've spent the last 15+ years sleeping with various girlfriends and sex is difficult to give up once you've gone there (not to mention the test drive thing). There's some decent religious guys who aren't zealots, though, and that's probably the best avenue for you if you aren't going to change your mind.

A word of warning, though: if you admit you're a virgin in your profile on a mainstream site, expect a lot of creepy guys coming after you for just that reason, offering to "help" you or trying to change your mind. That's another reason why I'd suggest sticking with the religious sites, even if you're not particularly religious yourself. They have their own wackos, I'm sure, but at least religious wackos generally have good intentions.

Posted by: Crotch Rocket | April 08, 2006 at 03:49 PM

I agree with the other posters. I mean, c'mon, dating it tough enough as it is. But when you take sex off the table until marriage, you are pretty much restricting yourself to conservative right-wingers and religious extremists. Most guys your age are going to want to know if they are sexually compatable with a woman before they marry her. Anyone here ever buy a car without test driving it first? Probably not, and the committment to a car is a lot less long in duration than a marriage (well, in theory anyway).

Rosie, I admire your stregth of conviction, but you've got a tough road ahead. You don't have to put your business in your profile for all the world to see, but you'd better disclose it no later than the first date with those you choose to date. You are definitely in the wrong town. You'd be better off in more conservative areas like the deep south or midwest than an east coast metropolis if you want to find a person who shares your values. In the online arena, you may wish to consider e-Harmony.com, which is owned and operated by a Christian fundamentalist. If you are Jewish, consider J-Date or Frumster.com and seek out Orthodox Jews. Orthodox guys all must wait as well. I know your decision is not a religious one, but the religious are your best bet to find a decent guy who will wait for you because he is waiting himself. I do not envy your predicament. Good luck with that.

Posted by: Craig | April 08, 2006 at 05:12 PM

I know you aren't a right wing fundamentalist Christian, so I suggest going to an Episcopalian, Lutheran, or Presbyterian church if you have Christianity in your background and are comfortable going to church.

These are main line churchs not subscribing to the right wing zealotry, and the guys you meet there may be more apt to understand your reasons for foregoing sex until marriage. They may even be looking for someone who is more of that bent that someone who is more sexually active during dating. Many of these churches have singles events and you could get to know some people there.

Posted by: Kimbabwe | April 08, 2006 at 07:46 PM

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Should She Tell Him She's a Virgin?