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Sex Ed for Adults

Dec 01
Lock and Key Parties Inspire Harlequin Novel

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Moxie In The Press - Ready To Stop Being Single?

Oct 01
Why Can`t You Just Say `Not Interested?`

Oct 01
Moxie in the Press - Dating Trends from The Tyra Banks Show

Sep 01
How To Score at A Singles Event

Aug 11
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Why Can`t You Just Say `Not Interested?`

What is it with the way men and women hide behind their computers and cell phones rather than just tell someone they aren't interested?

My friend, Jen, recently hooked up with Brendan, a guy on my softball team. Things started off well enough. Brendan was text messaging and e-mailing her constantly, so much so that Jen almost lost interest. But she stuck it out because, even though she wasn’t all that attracted to him at first, he appeared to be a solid, sincere guy.

At first she wasn’t very responsive, which appeared to make him come on stronger. Finally, she caved. Maybe it was the all the beers she drank after a game, maybe it was the way he kissed. Whatever it was, she became hooked.

But then Brendan’s attention appeared to fade. Suddenly he wasn’t returning her text messages or e-mails. Confused, she broached his recent disappearing act with him. He was tired, he said, and so, so, sooooo busy with work. He apologized, played a little tonsil hockey with her and promised he’d be in touch.

When a week went by with nary a word from him, Jen crossed over into that little place we ladies like to call The Dark Side. That’s that place in our head where we go to and assume the worst. Where we toy between calling him with the intent to “play it cool” or show up at his office and kick him in the balls. We go back and forth giving him the benefit of the doubt and ruing the day we met him. We’re between a rock and a hard place.

Address the hurt and confusion and appear needy and potentially “psycho,” or say nothing and develop an ulcer. Jen, true to form, tried hard to brush it off but her feelings were just too deeply hurt. She wasn’t even attracted to him at first and now she’s stuck with a very large fishhook poking through her cheek after taking the bait.

She dreaded having to face him at the next game and bristled whenever he spoke to her … which just caused him to then ignore her, take his toys, and leave the sandbox all together.

She sent him a text message a few nights later (I KNOW!!!) and said, "Can I ask you a question?"

He immediately responded, "Sure. Shoot."

"I'd prefer to call you. Is that okay?" she asked.

"I'm out. Hard to talk. Some other time?"

She then called me and told me what he said. My first reaction was to tell her, "Why did you text him? You're totally giving him control." I wanted to say that to her, but I couldn't. I've been there.

It's so easy to say, "Just don't call him. He'll totally change his tune if you back away." You really want to show that sort of self-control, right? But then you stew in your frustration and just want to talk it out and clear things up.

Since Jen isn’t one for mixed signals, she chose the lesser of two evils by calling him in hopes of clearing the air. Too bad Brendan wasn’t comfortable with that. It could have been a ten-minute conversation that provided clarity and understanding and allowed them to continue with their naughty text messaging. Instead, it added to the confusion and hurt feelings. I knew what Brendan was doing. So did Jen. He was avoiding her.

Whether it was because he was truly busy or just didn't want to deal or just didn't know how he felt. He was hiding. Busy my ass, dude. It would have taken 10 minutes. Suck it up. Be a man.

Avoiding is what makes people go from mildly hurt and confused to full out pissed-off. The person wanting to talk is left with the anger and pain, the person avoiding walks away unscathed. Soooo not fair.

Even if you think you're in the right ... just answer the damn phone. Rip the band-aid off quickly. Tie up the loose ends and either make a go at things or move on. Don't leave people sitting there confused and doing the inevitable "What did I do?" thing to themselves. They just want answers. So give them. Don't let days go by without responding because when and if you do decide to get back to the person, they'll be so pissed off that things will escalate into an insult swap.

Of course, the way to increase your chances of getting a response is all in how to approach it. Phrases like "I want to talk to you" and "You're an (insert expletive here),” will always make the person on the other end hit delete, hang-up or send you to voice mail.

Jen's opening line of "Can I ask you a question?" wasn't confrontational. Nor was she going to accuse Brendan of something. She was merely going to ask, "Was it me or were you sort of avoiding me or uncomfortable around me last week?"

Had he said, “Well, yes. I was. You were being rude to me,” then Jen could have replied, “I’m sorry. I just wasn’t comfortable and I was hurt because I assumed you were intentionally avoiding me.” Kiss kiss, hug hug. Annnnndddd …. Scene.

The thing you need to do before you make that call or send that text is to make sure you know a) what your message is; b) what you're hoping to gain from the conversation; and c) just how justified your feelings are.

If your goal is to hook-up with the person again, you might want to avoid saying things that will put the other person on the defensive. Things like "You really hurt my feelings when you ...." are conversation killers. The person you're confronting will shut down, get defensive and refuse to give you the answer you want. Take responsibility for yourself. Instead, say "My feelings were really hurt because I felt as though you were XYZ. Was that just in my head?"

Just because you FEEL that someone acted a certain way, doesn't mean they did. The one thing that will immediately get you blown off is an irrational or unfounded attitude. So be sure to be able to defend and explain why you feel the way you feel calmly and rationally. Yelling, shouting, cursing and accusing will get you nowhere. Ask questions if you're not sure if you were slighted. Speak only of your REACTIONS TO THEIR ACTIONS. Not just about "their actions." Use the words "seemed" or "felt like" or "appeared" because feelings aren't fact. The natural response to an accusation is to go on the defensive, which makes the conversation that much more difficult.

Now ... to the recipient of these calls, e-mails and requests for communication. You know when you're avoiding someone. You do. You know it. And you also know when you're partly or completely responsible for the other person's hurt or confusion. Hiding behind your cell or Blackberry just makes you a coward.

The one thing that people should want to do in a dating scenario that’s gone bad is to walk away with dignity and a clear conscience. We're adults, not children. Whether we like it or not, all phases of dating and relationships come with a certain level of obligation to the other person's feelings. You don't have to meet up with someone you've gone out with two or three times to tell them you're not interested ... but you should communicate to them in person that you don't plan on seeing them again. Not calling back is the coward’s way out. Maybe you don’t mind being labeled a coward. Well, okay, but keep in mind that karma is a bitch. I have yet to hear someone say, after harshly blowing someone off, that they didn’t have the exact same thing happen to them shortly after. Want to risk it, Maverick? Go for it. But don’t come crying to me when you get that Dear John IM followed by the “User is now offline” message.

Met someone online and had one date? Yeah, I guess it's become status quo to shoot them an e-mail ending things. Common courtesy is the least that you owe them. Definitely clue them in to your decision. Don't leave them hanging.

Had a first date and slept together? Pick up the damn phone and call. E-mail is far too impersonal given the fact that YOU WERE INTIMATELY JOINED BY MORE THAN A HIP!

With my friend Jen's recent situation with Brendan in mind, I'd like to add something else. The worst offenders, the ones that really do the most damage, are the ones who hold things in, never communicate how they really feel or why they think things aren't working out ... only to finally give up an answer or speak their mind without allowing the other person to rebut.

They either say what they have to say via e-mail or phone and then quickly disengage or hide without even having an actual conversation about the whole thing. (You know, like, where one person says something and the other person listens and then that person says something and the first person listens?) They lay their stuff out there, cite a couple of reasons (aka blame the other person) why things aren't working and then stick their head back into the proverbial sand. Who wouldn’t want to defend themselves after being told it was something they did that caused them to be dumped?

Why do some people handle it this way and just shoot off some e-mail or 20-character text message, then refuse to acknowledge or reply? Because if they actually have a discussion, a mature conversation, then they might be confronted with facts and reasons as to why their decisions are really just excuses used to justify their own selfishness.

Remember … the longer you wait to deliver bad news, the worse it will be. All the person really wants is to have their feelings acknowledged. Nobody likes to feel as if they don't matter to someone else. Make the time.

Publication: Moxie's Featured Column on SavvyInsider.com
Website: http://www.savvyinsider.com/article.php?op=viewArticle&article_ID=330
2005-10-01

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Why Can`t You Just Say `Not Interested?`