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About Last Night - Fellatio Class

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Lapdance 101 - Give Me Your Lap and I1ll Change Your Life

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Sex Ed for Adults

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Lock and Key Parties Inspire Harlequin Novel

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Moxie In The Press - Ready To Stop Being Single?

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Why Can`t You Just Say `Not Interested?`

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How To Score at A Singles Event

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(S)he`s All That

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Lapdance 101

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Fellatio in the District

Lapdance 101 - Give Me Your Lap and I1ll Change Your Life

Last Ass Jiggling
Reporting to you live from Fucking Drenched Headquarters, where I currently feel like I.'ve been beat up after the dunk-tank experience, here it is: the Lap-Dancing 101 report. Before we get started, let.'s just clarify that those were not my drawers you saw each time I hit the water. It was my swimsuit. I mean, come on now.

Like I said before, just give me your lap, and I.'ll change your life. I.'ve studied with the master.

Girlfriend was the master. She rolled in with her patent-leather, four-inch-platform heels and her booty and tried to teach us how to roll it, shake it, jiggle it, and for the advanced learners, how to give someone a black eye with it. She was extraordinary.

“All right ladies, we.'re going to do a warm-up just to get your heart rates up, nothing serious, we just want to get moving,” she said. “Nothing serious” included the “Dorothy.” The Dorothy is not so easy as you think. That.'s where you make your butt and your thighs wiggle like you.'re clicking your heels together, only you.'re not clicking your heels. You.'re just jiggling. She looked great—she could even control the speed of the jiggle. The rest of us looked like we were having a hemorrhoid attack.

“Now the first thing you want to get down is your walk. It.'s slow and sensual. Everything we do is slow and sensual.”

I knew I had this one down. Especially because we were all wearing heels. Except for my pregnant friend—her feet had grown out of her heels. Which is saying a lot considering she wore a 10 ½ to begin with. She was sexily strutting around in her socks. But me—I had the heels on—I knew I could rock the casbah in heels.

Until I tripped two steps into it.

Apparently, I do not rock the casbah.

This was quite a blow to me. I.'ve always been known for my ability to do a mean walk and a mean-ass sexy dance, also known as the orgasm shuffle. I.'ve climbed atop many a bar in my day and busted out the orgasm shuffle, only to be rewarded with free drinks. It.'s what happens when you.'re blessed with an ass like mine and you start shaking it—when there.'s that much ass coming at ‘ya that fast, you either run or you buy it a drink. It.'s the fight-or-flight response.

“All right ladies, now we.'re going to work on our floor sequence.”

Floor? Why did it never occur to me we would be getting on the floor? The floor is new territory. The orgasm shuffle never included the floor. Mostly because when you.'re dancing on a bar, there is no floor. Also, I would have no idea what to do on the floor. Inevitably, I.'d end up rolling around with a sexy look on my face, thinking I was a goddamn genius or something.

She had us on all fours jiggling our booties. We were doing our best-each and every one of us were shaking with all our might, and each and every one of us was looking over our shoulders, staring intently at our jiggling asses, trying to figure out if we were doing it right. We all looked very concerned, and with good reason. If you had seen it, you would have been concerned too.

“All right, now we.'re going to move into the striptease portion of the class. I.'m going to show you how to take your shirt off, and the map of the buttons.”

So apparently there is an agreed-upon button-order one goes through when taking your shirt off. Apparently, all the stripteasers got together and decided it would be so.

“Now once you unbutton the first bottom button, you want to lift your shirt up a little bit, show him the bottom part of your breast to tease him a little.”

Poor pregnant friend. We were all trying to give these sexy looks to the mirror, and there she stood, just looking perplexed. But since the class, she.'s the only one who.'s been practicing. She.'s gonna roll it out for her husband, baby belly and all. The rest of us have not been honing our skills. We.'re just going to wing it, and probably look like we are having a seizure that emanates from our booties.

There.'s a certain man who may get to witness my ass-seizure. He seemed excited about the class. When I told him about some similar classes, he didn.'t miss a beat. “I.'ll pay for it,” he said.

That.'s what a girl wants to hear. Booty appreciation, especially when you.'re investing in it, learning such things as the Dorothy and the on-the-floor booty jiggle. When you invest in an asset, that.'s the type of return you.'re looking for. A little appreciation, perhaps even an offer to buy stock in said asset. At least a good lay. When you bust out such moves, you always run a small risk that it will lead to a good laugh instead of a good lay.

These are the things you need to consider. Give me your lap; I.'ll change your life. You.'ll either want to tear me to shreds or recommend me for Last Comic Standing.

Publication: Washington City Paper
2006-09-12

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Lapdance 101 - Give Me Your Lap and I1ll Change Your Life